#27 Help for Families Part 1

For almost every addict mired in this terrible disease, there is a family suffering too.  Families are the hidden victims of addiction, enduring enormous levels of stress and pain, suffering deep anxiety and physical exhaustion brought on by worry and despair. Families tend to put their lives on hold and in a sense become hostage to the addiction, abdicating responsibility for their own well-being. 
 
What families tend to forget is that they do not have to wait until their loved one has found recovery before they can begin to nurture themselves.  In fact, families can rediscover simple pleasures, find ways to experience peace of mind, and even begin to laugh again—no matter what their loved one is doing. The key is for families to begin their own journey of recovery, learning healthier ways of interacting with their addicted loved one, and embarking on a path of self-healing.  As families search for recovery, they are searching for peace of mind.  Their lives can have value apart from their loved one’s struggles. 
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There are many books written by family members of those involved in addiction.  Saving Jake: When Addiction Hits Home  by DeAnn Burwell was reviewed earlier in this series.  Others are An Addict in the Family by Bev Conyers, and The Only Life I Could Save: A Memoir by Katherine Ketcham.  Websites such as hazeldenbettyford.org and projectknow.com offer help for families of those involved in substance abuse.   
 
The following  recommendations are a compilation from those websites and books.  (This is not to be taken as treatment advice, but  suggestions from various sources that have helped families in the past.)  

1. Get educated.  Learn as much as you can about addiction, treatment, and recovery.  The more you understand about how addiction affects the brain and behavior, the better your chance of combatting the disease. Knowledge is an effective weapon against addiction. 

 

1. Learn to de-escalate.  This requires patience and keeping your emotions under control.  Remember you don’t have to respond to everything your loved one says or as a wise friend told me, “You don’t have to go to every battle you are invited to.”  A very neutral and effective response can be simply saying “Oh.” Avoid setting unreasonable ultimatums or inappropriate consequences.  Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it in a mean way. 

 

1. Don’t enable.  This is so easy to say but is much more difficult to carry out. There is a very fine line between continuing to love your family member, offering them hope, and enabling them to continue in addiction.  This does not mean that you do not care or have given up on your loved one, but that you cannot make decisions for him or make him change.  Enabling is defined as any action that in any way makes it easier for the addict to continue using, doing what the addict can and should be doing for himself, or preventing him from fully experiencing the consequences of his actions.  This may look different at different times in different families, it requires compassion, wisdom, and perhaps, input from an unbiased family friend.   

 
The next article offers more help for families.